Parker

Parker introduces Statham as a saint among thieves; literally, he disguises himself as a priest during a robbery at the Ohio State Fair and keeps the people caught in the fray calm, while his compatriots dress as clowns and the cocky, inexperienced August (Micah A. Hauptman) carelessly puts the lives of innocent people in danger. However, things really go bad when the crew’s boss, Melander (Michael Chiklis), refuses Parker his share during the getaway, but promises a much bigger payout if he helps them on a new job. A fight ensues and Parker is left for dead on the side of the road.
Once he recovers, though, he sets out to collect the due pay(back) from Melander and his men (including Clifton Collins Jr. and Wendell Pierce). Parker follows them to Palm Beach in Florida, discovering their planned score involves $50-70 million worth of diamonds. There, he meets Leslie (Jennifer Lopez), a divorcee pushing 40 who immediately sees through Parker’s fake identity as a Texas mogul looking to buy new real estate. Leslie agrees to keep Parker’s secret, on the condition that she gets a share from his payback scheme (in part as compensation for her years of enduring disrespect and being ignored by her wealthy clients).

The elements are there for Parker to fly high as pulpy entertainment, with Statham playing the rare male badass who’s not a womanizer – rather, Parker’s committed to his girlfriend (Emma Booth) and her father/his friend (Nick Nolte) – and yet, still able to get his hands dirty in a creative fashion. Indeed, Parker finds way to hurt people using things like toilet tank lids and gun clips in creative ways that resonate on a deeper level of irony (and entertain anyone who’s just looking to watch Stath bring on the hurt). That violence is limited, but effective and responsibly bloody in execution, even when Parker hurts himself in a cringe-inducing knife fight.
However, Hackford’s direction, while competent, leaves something to be desired; similarly, there are some questionable editing choices along the way that stand out as clumsy and confusing in logic (ex. flashbacks during the middle-of-action in the opening robbery set piece). McLaughlin’s script has no pretensions about elevating Westlake’s dime novel tropes, but it also has limited fun playing around with them. As indicated before, there’s recognition of the appeal these stories have for regular people (see: a short montage where clueless rich people ogle diamonds is a fun setup, giving extra reason to cheer the working-class Parker and Leslie), just not enough and in limited doses. Steven Soderbergh’s collaboration with J-Lo on Out of Sight provides a great counter-example on how to properly treat similar material; Hackford’s film, by comparison, is far less lively and energized on all levels.

When all is said and done, Parker just doesn’t reach the comfortable middle ground between satisfying action junkies looking for exhilarating, witty thrills and satisfying viewers interested in a smart pulpy genre exercise. Statham and his supporting cast do fine work, but they’re weighed down by unexceptional storytelling behind the camera. Nonetheless, it’s worth noting this is a unique Stath vehicle that has more going on than just allowing him to showcase bravado fight choreography – and it even plays with his eye candy status, in a scene featuring the ‘female gaze.’
In summation: if you’re interested in standard kick ass Statham entertainment, Parker will probably leave you bored. Everyone else, there’s an unremarkable but (mostly) satisfactory crime tale worth checking out, especially in comparison to what else is playing in theaters right now (though you’ll also be fine waiting to rent it).

Expendables 2

On the two-year anniversary of the first “Expendables” we were given the gift of a sequel. The original was a moderately well received box office success, mostly due to a cast of aging action stars cashing on a viewing audience eager to see those stars on the screen again. Sylvester Stallone lead the helm, followed closely by Hollywood heroes Jason Statham, Jet Li, and Dolph Lundgren. The rest of the cast is filled out with a ragtag group of ex-wrestlers andretirees, much like the eponymous team of mercenaries.
In the newest installment, Stallone and his group of misfits are united again by Mr. Church (Bruce Willis) to go on a dangerous mission. This time around South America is replaced with Eastern Europe, and a ruthless dictator is replaced with a roundhouse-kicking Jean-Claude Van Damme. And while the first film tried to come up with a plot that had some espionage and intrigue, this new film (to its benefit) didn’t bother. While back-stabbing and redemption are a crucial part of most action films today, “Expendables 2” knows why you’re there to see it and gives you what you want: Stallone, Statham, Lundgren and the rest blowing stuff up and killing people very violently. And it does those things beautifully. While the first “Expendables” merely dangles Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis in front of our faces, its sequel finally gives us some action from the two men. I’m not sure there’s anything better than seeing Rambo, the Terminator, and John McClane gunning down a dozen baddies side-by-side.

The most rewarding moment of the film comes early on, where Jean-Claude Van Damme gives us exactly what we want: a roundhouse kick that stabs a man in the heart. His 360º spinning kick is one of his hallmark moves, and we get it within the first act of the film. And his kickboxing duel with Stallone at the end is actually pretty gruesome and fun to watch. But here, again, plot doesn’t matter. The stolen plutonium was a total afterthought. All that mattered was seeing Van Damme be Van Damme.

Newcomers Liam Hemsworth and Nan Yu are exactly that: newcomers. Their roles are laid out very clearly and their stories are pretty easy to figure out. Yet what I found the most refreshing was that Yu’s character, Maggie, was never demeaned into a girl-in-danger role one might expect. She becomes a legitimate part of the team. And while there is affection between Maggie and Stallone’s Barney Ross, there is never a move to make her into a romantic object. She’s treated with a surprising amount of care that I found refreshing and somewhat rewarding.

Ultimately, if you head to the theater prepared for what you’re about to see (a low-plot, high action explosion fest staring your favorite 80s/90s action icons), you will enjoy this flick. While the stars of the film just barely spit out their lines intelligibly (especially Stallone, whose lines are a mumbled mess), you can tell they all love what they’re doing. Expect maybe Chuck Norris in his cameo, which is really only worth being in the film for his highly self-aware Chuck Norris joke. “Expendables 2” knows the plot doesn’t matter so it doesn’t really bother pretending to have one. It’s suitably self-deprecating, incredibly violent and a lot of fun to watch.

Kings sign new talent

Whether it was Ilya Kovalchuck or Brad Richards, the Kings have managed to find a way to get in the picture for the flavor of the month, a means to get in the door.

Of course, literally getting in the door at the Toronto agency that represents Richards was a struggle last year for the Kings' brain trust, live on national cable TV in Canada. But they did eventually get in after it was unlocked.

These forays were always interesting. The Kings were runners-up in the free-agent bidding for Kovalchuk two years ago and among the invited teams to pitch for Richards last July 1.

But that all was long before the Kings came armed with a certain shiny new recruiting accessory: The Stanley Cub.

The ramifications of their Stanley Cup championship and its impact on the free-agent market will be tested for the first time starting Sunday. NHL free agency starts at 9 a.m. (PDT) and the courtship of New Jersey Devils captain Zach Parise is expected to be at the top of the Kings' list.

Making a hard push for the telegenic leader makes sense on many levels. The Kings' governor, AEGS's Tim Leiweke, the man who brought soccer icon id Beckham Dav to Los Angeles, has a history of going after the big names in the bright lights.

The Kings have just enough cap room and a pressing need for scoring on the left side. New Jersey has the past and the loyalty factor working in its favor to keep Parise in the fold. Minnesota has the home-state appeal — Parise's father, J.P. Parise, played for the North Stars, scoring a career-high 75 points in the 1972-73 season.

Pittsburgh? There's the presence of someone named Sidney Crosby, whose close friendship with Parise dates to his days at Shattuck-Saint Mary's High in Faribault, Minn., where both played, although not at the same time.

Kings President and General Manager Dean Lombardi has a way of crunching the numbers with his staff but joked a few days ago that he felt with free agency approaching he was "staring at that board in 'Beautiful Mind,' except nothing is calculating."

The financial numbers in free agency undoubtedly will be biggest for Parise and defenseman Ryan Sutter of Nashville. Trade speculation involving Rick Nash of Columbus and the Ducks Bobby Ryan was rampant during the NHL's entry draft. But talks concerning Ryan aren't expected to accelerate for another few days, until the pieces of Parise, Suter and Nash fall into place.

One of the other biggest questions for the Ducks is the playing future of franchise icon Teeme Selani. GM Bob Murray said Saturday night that he and Selanne had exchanged texts and would talk in a few days. By then, a decision could be reached.

The Ducks did get resolution with one player. Defenseman Justin Schultz, whom they drafted in 2008, ended a frenzied period of speculation by announcing he will play in Edmonton. Schultz took advantage of a loophole in the collective bargaining agreement that allowed him to explore unrestricted free agency — he played an extra season of junior hockey in British Columbia before his three years at the University of Wisconsin and did not sign with the Ducks.

Kings extend coaches contract

 Keith Smart is getting the closest thing he's ever had to a long-term deal as an NBA coach.

The Sacramento Kings extended Smart's contract Monday through the 2013-14 season. Smart's deal had been set to expire after the upcoming season.

The 47-year-old Smart took over for the fired Paul Westphal in January after a 2-5 start. The Kings went 20-39 the rest of the way under Smart during the lockout-shortened season.

The Golden State Warriors decided not to extend Smart's contract last year after he hastily replaced Don Nelson before training camp. Smart also had a stint as the Cleveland Cavaliers' interim head coach for the final 40 games in 2003 after taking over for John Lucas.

Devin Ebanks

The Los Angeles Lakers re-signed forward Devin Ebanks on Monday and added free agent guard Jodie Meeks.

Terms of the deals were not released.

Meeks, a three-year veteran, appeared in 66 games last season with the Philadenphia 76ers, averaging 8.4 points and 2.4 rebounds in 24.9 minutes.

Meeks has career averages of 8.1 points and 2.2 rebounds in 200 career games.

Ebanks, a second-round pick of the Lakers in 2010, played in 24 games last season and averaged 4.0 points, 2.3 rebounds and 16.5 minutes. Ebanks has career averages of 3.6 points and 1.8 rebounds in 44 games.

Chad Johnson released from Dolphins

As the Miami Dolphins took the field for practice Sunday, Chad Johnson was getting out of jail.

Hours later, he was out of work.

The Dolphins terminated the six-time Pro Bowl receiver's contract about 24 hours after he was arrested in a domestic battery case involving his wife.

Johnson was released from jail on $2,500 bond earlier Sunday after his wife accused him of head-butting her during an argument in front of their home. Johnson was charged with simple domestic battery, a misdemeanor.

The confrontation came barely a month after Johnson marriedEvelyn Lozada, who is on the reality TV show "Basketball Wives." The 34-year-old Johnson had been battling for a spot on the team after a disappointing season with the New England Patriots in 2011.

Following Sunday's practice, coach Joe Philbin said he would meet soon with Johnson.

"We're going to deal with this," Philbin said before Johnson was released. "We're not going to waste time. ... We're all in this thing together. Everybody that sets foot in this building, we're all held to a high standard."

Only five days earlier, Philbin said Johnson's roster spot could be in jeopardy if he didn't temper his freewheeling behavior. Johnson annoyed the coach by frequently using profanity during a session with reporters.

Johnson's defense attorney, Adam Swickle, said an order has been issued that prevents Johnson from contacting Lozada. Swickle declined to comment further.

Johnson — who recently changed his name from Chad Ochocinco — was arrested Saturday after Lozada confronted him about a receipt she found for a box of condoms, police said. According to an arrest affidavit, Lozada said she was taking groceries into their home when she found the receipt in the car trunk.

When the two were seated back in the car, they began talking about the receipt and their marriage. That's when Johnson got upset and head-butted his wife, the report said.

Lozada ran to a neighbor's house and called police. A responding officer said Lozada had a 3-inch cut on her forehead, according to the affidavit, while Johnson did not have any visible marks or bruises. When questioned by police, he confirmed there was an argument over the receipt, but said his wife had head-butted him.

Even before his arrest, Johnson was battling to salvage his career. He was released by the Patriots after totaling only 15 receptions last season. He dropped the lone pass thrown his way Friday night in the Dolphins' first exhibition game.

News of the arrest spread quickly Saturday, an off day for the team.

"I was shocked," tight end Charles Clay said. "Of course, you don't want things like that to happen."

Johnson has long been known for outlandish antics that annoyed his teammates as well as coaches. Philbin, a first-year head coach, talked with his players about Johnson's arrest before the player was released.

"I reminded them that on April 10 in our first team meetings, I said, 'Guys, I'd love to stand up here and tell you we're never going to have a problem here in Miami,'" Philbin said. "Do we want high-character guys? Yes. All 31 other coaches are going to say the same thing. But I specifically told them on April 10 that there will be problems that arise and you have to deal with them honestly and openly and directly. You've got to learn from mistakes and move on, and you can't hide from the problem."

If convicted, Johnson faces a maximum penalty of one year in jail and a $1,000 fine. He could also receive community service, probation or anger management classes.

Johnson was known as Ochocinco for the past four seasons but changed his name back to Johnson after his July 4 wedding. The name was a playful reference to his uniform No. 85.

Johnson and Lozada were prominent in the recent first episode of HBO's "Hard Knocks: Training Camp with the Miami Dolphins."

VH1's "Basketball Wives" is filmed in Miami and also features Shaunie O'Neal, the former wife of former NBA star Shaquille O'Neal. Lozada is the former fiancee of NBA player Antoine Walker.

Chad johnson wife beater.

Chad Johnson's wife Evelyn Lozada had a bleeding gash on her forehead when she ran to her neighbor for help this weekend ... this according to the neighbor -- who begged 911 dispatch to keep the whole situation hush-hush.

As we first reported, Evelyn fled to her neighbor's house following a domestic dispute with Chad Saturday night, during which the NFL star allegedly head-butted her in the forehead.

The neighbor called 911 -- telling the dispatcher, Chad "hit her on the head ... She has a nice cut on the forehead that I believe is going to need stitches."

But the neighbor wasn't just worried about Evelyn's cut, he was also freaking out about an inevitable media firestorm surrounding the domestic dispute ... telling the dispatcher, Chad is a "very high-profile person and we'd like to keep this as quiet as possible."

He pleaded, "We don't need the news here."

So much for that.