Expendables 2

On the two-year anniversary of the first “Expendables” we were given the gift of a sequel. The original was a moderately well received box office success, mostly due to a cast of aging action stars cashing on a viewing audience eager to see those stars on the screen again. Sylvester Stallone lead the helm, followed closely by Hollywood heroes Jason Statham, Jet Li, and Dolph Lundgren. The rest of the cast is filled out with a ragtag group of ex-wrestlers andretirees, much like the eponymous team of mercenaries.
In the newest installment, Stallone and his group of misfits are united again by Mr. Church (Bruce Willis) to go on a dangerous mission. This time around South America is replaced with Eastern Europe, and a ruthless dictator is replaced with a roundhouse-kicking Jean-Claude Van Damme. And while the first film tried to come up with a plot that had some espionage and intrigue, this new film (to its benefit) didn’t bother. While back-stabbing and redemption are a crucial part of most action films today, “Expendables 2” knows why you’re there to see it and gives you what you want: Stallone, Statham, Lundgren and the rest blowing stuff up and killing people very violently. And it does those things beautifully. While the first “Expendables” merely dangles Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis in front of our faces, its sequel finally gives us some action from the two men. I’m not sure there’s anything better than seeing Rambo, the Terminator, and John McClane gunning down a dozen baddies side-by-side.

The most rewarding moment of the film comes early on, where Jean-Claude Van Damme gives us exactly what we want: a roundhouse kick that stabs a man in the heart. His 360º spinning kick is one of his hallmark moves, and we get it within the first act of the film. And his kickboxing duel with Stallone at the end is actually pretty gruesome and fun to watch. But here, again, plot doesn’t matter. The stolen plutonium was a total afterthought. All that mattered was seeing Van Damme be Van Damme.

Newcomers Liam Hemsworth and Nan Yu are exactly that: newcomers. Their roles are laid out very clearly and their stories are pretty easy to figure out. Yet what I found the most refreshing was that Yu’s character, Maggie, was never demeaned into a girl-in-danger role one might expect. She becomes a legitimate part of the team. And while there is affection between Maggie and Stallone’s Barney Ross, there is never a move to make her into a romantic object. She’s treated with a surprising amount of care that I found refreshing and somewhat rewarding.

Ultimately, if you head to the theater prepared for what you’re about to see (a low-plot, high action explosion fest staring your favorite 80s/90s action icons), you will enjoy this flick. While the stars of the film just barely spit out their lines intelligibly (especially Stallone, whose lines are a mumbled mess), you can tell they all love what they’re doing. Expect maybe Chuck Norris in his cameo, which is really only worth being in the film for his highly self-aware Chuck Norris joke. “Expendables 2” knows the plot doesn’t matter so it doesn’t really bother pretending to have one. It’s suitably self-deprecating, incredibly violent and a lot of fun to watch.

Kings sign new talent

Whether it was Ilya Kovalchuck or Brad Richards, the Kings have managed to find a way to get in the picture for the flavor of the month, a means to get in the door.

Of course, literally getting in the door at the Toronto agency that represents Richards was a struggle last year for the Kings' brain trust, live on national cable TV in Canada. But they did eventually get in after it was unlocked.

These forays were always interesting. The Kings were runners-up in the free-agent bidding for Kovalchuk two years ago and among the invited teams to pitch for Richards last July 1.

But that all was long before the Kings came armed with a certain shiny new recruiting accessory: The Stanley Cub.

The ramifications of their Stanley Cup championship and its impact on the free-agent market will be tested for the first time starting Sunday. NHL free agency starts at 9 a.m. (PDT) and the courtship of New Jersey Devils captain Zach Parise is expected to be at the top of the Kings' list.

Making a hard push for the telegenic leader makes sense on many levels. The Kings' governor, AEGS's Tim Leiweke, the man who brought soccer icon id Beckham Dav to Los Angeles, has a history of going after the big names in the bright lights.

The Kings have just enough cap room and a pressing need for scoring on the left side. New Jersey has the past and the loyalty factor working in its favor to keep Parise in the fold. Minnesota has the home-state appeal — Parise's father, J.P. Parise, played for the North Stars, scoring a career-high 75 points in the 1972-73 season.

Pittsburgh? There's the presence of someone named Sidney Crosby, whose close friendship with Parise dates to his days at Shattuck-Saint Mary's High in Faribault, Minn., where both played, although not at the same time.

Kings President and General Manager Dean Lombardi has a way of crunching the numbers with his staff but joked a few days ago that he felt with free agency approaching he was "staring at that board in 'Beautiful Mind,' except nothing is calculating."

The financial numbers in free agency undoubtedly will be biggest for Parise and defenseman Ryan Sutter of Nashville. Trade speculation involving Rick Nash of Columbus and the Ducks Bobby Ryan was rampant during the NHL's entry draft. But talks concerning Ryan aren't expected to accelerate for another few days, until the pieces of Parise, Suter and Nash fall into place.

One of the other biggest questions for the Ducks is the playing future of franchise icon Teeme Selani. GM Bob Murray said Saturday night that he and Selanne had exchanged texts and would talk in a few days. By then, a decision could be reached.

The Ducks did get resolution with one player. Defenseman Justin Schultz, whom they drafted in 2008, ended a frenzied period of speculation by announcing he will play in Edmonton. Schultz took advantage of a loophole in the collective bargaining agreement that allowed him to explore unrestricted free agency — he played an extra season of junior hockey in British Columbia before his three years at the University of Wisconsin and did not sign with the Ducks.

Kings extend coaches contract

 Keith Smart is getting the closest thing he's ever had to a long-term deal as an NBA coach.

The Sacramento Kings extended Smart's contract Monday through the 2013-14 season. Smart's deal had been set to expire after the upcoming season.

The 47-year-old Smart took over for the fired Paul Westphal in January after a 2-5 start. The Kings went 20-39 the rest of the way under Smart during the lockout-shortened season.

The Golden State Warriors decided not to extend Smart's contract last year after he hastily replaced Don Nelson before training camp. Smart also had a stint as the Cleveland Cavaliers' interim head coach for the final 40 games in 2003 after taking over for John Lucas.

Devin Ebanks

The Los Angeles Lakers re-signed forward Devin Ebanks on Monday and added free agent guard Jodie Meeks.

Terms of the deals were not released.

Meeks, a three-year veteran, appeared in 66 games last season with the Philadenphia 76ers, averaging 8.4 points and 2.4 rebounds in 24.9 minutes.

Meeks has career averages of 8.1 points and 2.2 rebounds in 200 career games.

Ebanks, a second-round pick of the Lakers in 2010, played in 24 games last season and averaged 4.0 points, 2.3 rebounds and 16.5 minutes. Ebanks has career averages of 3.6 points and 1.8 rebounds in 44 games.

Chad Johnson released from Dolphins

As the Miami Dolphins took the field for practice Sunday, Chad Johnson was getting out of jail.

Hours later, he was out of work.

The Dolphins terminated the six-time Pro Bowl receiver's contract about 24 hours after he was arrested in a domestic battery case involving his wife.

Johnson was released from jail on $2,500 bond earlier Sunday after his wife accused him of head-butting her during an argument in front of their home. Johnson was charged with simple domestic battery, a misdemeanor.

The confrontation came barely a month after Johnson marriedEvelyn Lozada, who is on the reality TV show "Basketball Wives." The 34-year-old Johnson had been battling for a spot on the team after a disappointing season with the New England Patriots in 2011.

Following Sunday's practice, coach Joe Philbin said he would meet soon with Johnson.

"We're going to deal with this," Philbin said before Johnson was released. "We're not going to waste time. ... We're all in this thing together. Everybody that sets foot in this building, we're all held to a high standard."

Only five days earlier, Philbin said Johnson's roster spot could be in jeopardy if he didn't temper his freewheeling behavior. Johnson annoyed the coach by frequently using profanity during a session with reporters.

Johnson's defense attorney, Adam Swickle, said an order has been issued that prevents Johnson from contacting Lozada. Swickle declined to comment further.

Johnson — who recently changed his name from Chad Ochocinco — was arrested Saturday after Lozada confronted him about a receipt she found for a box of condoms, police said. According to an arrest affidavit, Lozada said she was taking groceries into their home when she found the receipt in the car trunk.

When the two were seated back in the car, they began talking about the receipt and their marriage. That's when Johnson got upset and head-butted his wife, the report said.

Lozada ran to a neighbor's house and called police. A responding officer said Lozada had a 3-inch cut on her forehead, according to the affidavit, while Johnson did not have any visible marks or bruises. When questioned by police, he confirmed there was an argument over the receipt, but said his wife had head-butted him.

Even before his arrest, Johnson was battling to salvage his career. He was released by the Patriots after totaling only 15 receptions last season. He dropped the lone pass thrown his way Friday night in the Dolphins' first exhibition game.

News of the arrest spread quickly Saturday, an off day for the team.

"I was shocked," tight end Charles Clay said. "Of course, you don't want things like that to happen."

Johnson has long been known for outlandish antics that annoyed his teammates as well as coaches. Philbin, a first-year head coach, talked with his players about Johnson's arrest before the player was released.

"I reminded them that on April 10 in our first team meetings, I said, 'Guys, I'd love to stand up here and tell you we're never going to have a problem here in Miami,'" Philbin said. "Do we want high-character guys? Yes. All 31 other coaches are going to say the same thing. But I specifically told them on April 10 that there will be problems that arise and you have to deal with them honestly and openly and directly. You've got to learn from mistakes and move on, and you can't hide from the problem."

If convicted, Johnson faces a maximum penalty of one year in jail and a $1,000 fine. He could also receive community service, probation or anger management classes.

Johnson was known as Ochocinco for the past four seasons but changed his name back to Johnson after his July 4 wedding. The name was a playful reference to his uniform No. 85.

Johnson and Lozada were prominent in the recent first episode of HBO's "Hard Knocks: Training Camp with the Miami Dolphins."

VH1's "Basketball Wives" is filmed in Miami and also features Shaunie O'Neal, the former wife of former NBA star Shaquille O'Neal. Lozada is the former fiancee of NBA player Antoine Walker.

Chad johnson wife beater.

Chad Johnson's wife Evelyn Lozada had a bleeding gash on her forehead when she ran to her neighbor for help this weekend ... this according to the neighbor -- who begged 911 dispatch to keep the whole situation hush-hush.

As we first reported, Evelyn fled to her neighbor's house following a domestic dispute with Chad Saturday night, during which the NFL star allegedly head-butted her in the forehead.

The neighbor called 911 -- telling the dispatcher, Chad "hit her on the head ... She has a nice cut on the forehead that I believe is going to need stitches."

But the neighbor wasn't just worried about Evelyn's cut, he was also freaking out about an inevitable media firestorm surrounding the domestic dispute ... telling the dispatcher, Chad is a "very high-profile person and we'd like to keep this as quiet as possible."

He pleaded, "We don't need the news here."

So much for that.

Andrew Lucks Manning like debut.

No sooner had the NFL debut of his newest franchise quarterback matched—bettered, actually—that of his previous franchise quarterback, the Indianapolis Colts owner turned to his Twitter account.

“The legend has begun!!!!!!!!’’ Irsay wrote.

Yes, it has.

For at least one half, Andrew Luck was the real deal. The successor to Peyton Manning, Luck directed the Colts to a 21-3 halftime lead by running an efficient offense. He completed 10-of-16 passes for 188 yards with two touchdowns.

Then, the No. 1 overall pick in the April draft found a place on the Colts' sideline and watched a 38-3 blowout unfold. Luck’s work was done, and it had been done very well.

Eerily so.

As was the case with Manning in his exhibition debut in 1998, Luck served immediate notice of his arrival.

Luck’s first pass traveled about 7 yards to running back Donald Brown on a screen. Brown did the rest, weaving through the Rams’ defense for a 63-yard touchdown.

“It was probably the easiest touchdown pass I’ll ever have in my life,’’ Luck said, smiling.

Manning’s first pass in the ’98 preseason opener at Seattle was a 48-yard touchdown pass to Marvin Harrison.

You want comparisons between the present and the past? Take that.

“Luck looked very impressive,’’ Colts cornerback Jerraud Powers said. “What gets me is for him to be so young as a rookie and his decision-making process. It seems like he’s been here before.

“I expect the No. 1 pick to make every throw in the book, and he does. But how he (handles) the game and how he thinks ... that’s what is going to make him better than what people think.’’

Luck showed good touch on intermediate passes and stood tall in the pocket when his protection held up. On a 23-yard touchdown pass to wide receiver Austin Collie, he scanned the field, patted the ball, then found Collie wide open inside the 10-yard line. At least twice Luck spun away from initial pressure and avoided sacks.

While Luck’s 10-of-16 might not appear off-the-charts good, his receivers dropped three passes. Twice, he threw the ball away. Once, he overthrew wide-open guard Joe Reitz in the end zone.

“I feel terrible about that to be honest,’’ Luck said of missing Reitz. “I told him I owe him about 20 steak dinners. Anytime a lineman gets a chance to catch a touchdown, he deserves it and I didn’t hold up my end of the bargain.

“I apologized to him and if the situation presents itself again, I’ll put it in his belly. Or at least give him a chance to catch it.’’

No one ever will forget what Manning did for the city and the franchise.

But the transition to Luck was a needed step into the future. And there’s no down-playing the significance of Luck’s first NFL step.

“It’s great,’’ Colts coach Chuck Pagano said. “I mean, he’d be the first one to tell you that, when it’s live action and he doesn’t have the red jersey on ... he knew he was a target. I know we picked him up off the turf a couple of times, but he’s a big, strong, athletic guy and he can take a hit.

“To see him perform and do the things that he did under pressure ... (the Rams) got after him a little bit and I thought he handled it well.’’

Terrell Owens

Why not?

That has become the prevailing attitude over the Seahawks' decision to sign Terrell Owens.

He's on a one-year deal for the veteran minimum, which constitutes a flier not an investment. He's in great shape, and for all the problems attributed to him, a lack of production has never been among them. Not only that, but receiver is the single biggest bare spot on the team's roster.

So why not?

My question is a little different: Why now?

Because Owens has been available for a while now. He was also on the market two years ago when Seattle had just as many uncertainties about its receivers, and the Seahawks didn't do so much as bring him in for a workout.

And now that Seattle stands on the brink of a season in which it truly hopes to contend for a playoff spot, you parachute a player in on the hope of a short-term boost?

This is fundamentally different than the M.O. the Seahawks used for the first two years under coach Pete Carroll and GM John Schneider. Back then, moves were made with an eye toward long-term stability.

The Seahawks were trying to get younger, faster and stronger. They weren't trying to catch lightning in a bottle with a recycled veteran. Not usually any way. Of course there were exceptions. They signed former first-round pick Mike Williams and watched him lead the team in receptions. They gave Reggie Williams a look, too. They brought in Tarvaris Jackson to see if a fresh start in a new city would allow him to take the next step and become a viable starting quarterback for a playoff contender.

But what Seattle has down over the past three months has been different, a change that I think began with the acquisition of tight end Kellen Winslow from the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Here was a player with an impressive track record, being cast off by his former team, and the Seahawks saw someone who would fit right away. Then came the casting call for wide receivers: Antonio Bryant, Braylon Edwards and now Owens.

These aren't pieces of the foundation, they're finishing touches. A team looking for a player or two to put them over the top, and it's not an accident that it's happening on offense where Seattle ranked No. 28 in the league last year.

Not only that, but receiver is the one position that wasn't addressed in the offseason. Well, not other than the surgeries starting flanker Sidney Rice underwent on both shoulders. He's recovering, but he's also missed more games than he played the past two seasons, and Golden Tate is a strong candidate to start at split end and he has yet to catch more than 35 passes in a season.

So Seattle is looking for veteran help. It's not paying top-shelf prices so much as looking through the bargain bin of players marked: "As is."

Coach Pete Carroll was asked Tuesday if the addition of Owens meant he saw his team in a different position than two years ago when Owens was a free agent.

"Maybe," Carroll said.

Now, Carroll was just making it clear he wasn't engaging in the question, but when you put Owens' arrival in context with the recent moves, I think it makes it pretty clear the Seahawks believe they're on the brink of something, and they're looking for a player or two to get them over the top.

Total Recall

Start with Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Biel and you have the makings of a solid movie. Throw in a bunch of cool action scenes, slick special effects and you have a pretty decent movie.

The remake of the 1990 sci-fi Arnold Schwarzenneger action movie "Total Recall" starring the two aforementioned brunettes plus Colin Ferrell is an upgrade, and very likely more true to the Philip K. Dick book. It's not a great movie, but it's better than the first one.

The story: In a very dark future where there is no hope, the workers are treated like garbage and the leaders keep all the money and power, Farrell is a blue-collar worker who descends each day into a hole to make giant robots for the Godless company.
Or, is he?
Farrell is tired of his life, even if it includes Kate Beckinsale, and goes to something called "Recall" where he can have good memories pumped into his life. Then all hell breaks loose, and Farrell is actually the leader of a resistance movement who fights the power.

The people: Farrell is fine, and physically convincing. Beckinsale is really more fun as the villain who just so happens to be smokin' hot, and can kick a lot of butt no different than her role in Underworld. Biel looks great, and that's about it.
Brian Cranston from Breaking Bad is good as the bad guy.

Fight scenes: Lots of quick, slick action and gun play between a group of "soldiers" dressed as storm troopers from Return of the Jedi.

Scenery: The movie looks very little like the first recall. This version looks more like a cross between Blade Runner and Minority Report, both of which also happen to Phillip K. Dick books.

Eye candy: Beckinsale and Biel. Not sure I can buy Beckinsale as being able to beat the living tar out of just so many people, but ... I appreciate the effort. Solid work.

Is it any good?: It's OK. It takes itself very seriously, offers very little to no humor and is a very dark look at the future. BTW - Can any movie about the future be made without drab, cold looking buildings and constant rain?

Should you see it: Don't pay anything more than matinee price, or wait for it on DVD

Read more here: http://sportsblogs.star-telegram.com/mac-engel/2012/08/movie-review-total-recall-12-is-an-upgrade.html#storylink=cpy

Read more here: http://sportsblogs.star-telegram.com/mac-engel/2012/08/movie-review-total-recall-12-is-an-upgrade.html#storylink=cpy

Tiger stumbles on first day of firestone.

Through 11 holes on Thursday afternoon it looked like Tiger Woods had found something at Firestone -- a course that's been his personal playground over the years.

Cruising along at 3-under, Woods was doing everything right: hitting fairways and greens and making a couple putts, including back-to-back birdies to start the back-nine. But as quickly as the good vibes came in, they disappeared just two holes later on the par-4 13th.

After missing the green on his approach, Woods failed to convert a four-footer for par for his first bogey of the day. A cold putter continued to plague him for the rest of his round, as he missed a makeable birdie on the par-4 17th, and a par putt from just outside two feet on the 18th to shoot 70.

"Well, I hit it good today," Woods said after his round. "Unfortunately once I got to the greens, probably I think I averaged about four putts per hole, so it was a great day on the greens. …

"I just hit bad putts today. I hit bad putts. My speed was off. The putts that I pured, I didn't make. And then the bad putts didn't have a chance."

Woods was joking about the "four putts per hole," but for a portion of the day it felt like he couldn't make a thing on Firestone's greens. If Woods has aspirations of winning at Firestone for the eight time in his career, he's going to have to improve on the 33 putts he had in the first round.

The silver lining for Woods was that his tee-to-green play was on point for pretty much the entire day. He hit 14 fairways and 14 of 18 green during the round, which is about as solid as it gets, but when you fail to wedge it close and convert birdie/par opportunities, you're not going to have a lot of success.

While the final six holes of the round were disappointing, Woods opening with a round of 70 or worse is pretty typical these days. This season he's managed to break 70 in the opening round only four times in 13 events, and two of them ended with wins.

When you've had as much success as Woods has had at Firestone over the years -- this was only the second time in 11 starts at the WGC-Bridgestone Invitational where Woods failed to break 70 in the first round -- struggling down the stretch would lead many to believe something is amiss.

But honestly, this is the way Woods has played for much of the year. He's looked good for stretches before hitting a rough patch. On Thursday the rough just happened to come with six holes left in the round.

Which Tiger will show up tomorrow? It's tough to say at this point. If it's the guy who was in contention for 12 holes, Woods could find himself in the mix come tomorrow evening. But if it's the Tiger who looked lost on the greens over his final six holes ... he could be in for a long week.

Tiger to miss cut

CHARLOTTE, N.C. -- Tiger Woods likely has missed the cut for just the eighth time as a professional on the PGA Tour.

It wasn't yet official Friday as he finished his second round of the Wells Fargo Championship just after 1 p.m. ET, but the projections suggest he will head to South Florida for the weekend to sort out his swing and his game before next week's Players Championship -- 

Woods could manage just a 1-over-par 73 at Quail Hollow and didn't make a birdie over his final nine holes to finish at 144, even par. The 36-hole cut was projected at 1 under and could go to 2 under before the end of the day.

"I figured I needed to get to 3 under to be safe, 2 under for sure," Woods said before departing. "It's frustration. I'm not playing a weekend where I have a chance to compete for a title. I've missed my share of cuts in the past, and none of them feel good."

Nick Watney shot 64 to take the early tournament lead at 12 under.

This marks just the eighth time since Woods turned pro in 1996 that he will miss a 36-hole cut, and the first time that he's done so twice at the same venue or tournament. Woods also missed the cut here in 2010 in just his second tournament after returning from a five-month break because of his personal issues.

Woods has 72 PGA Tour victories. Phil Mickelsonis next among active players with 40 -- and has missed 63 cuts in his career. Vijay Singh has 34 wins and 57 missed cuts.

Woods' last missed cut came at the 2011 PGA Championship in Atlanta, where he was playing for the second time following a four-month break because of knee and Achilles injuries.

After winning the Arnold Palmer Invitational on March 25, Woods was considered a huge favorite going into the Masters. But he never broke par and finished tied for 40th, his worst at Augusta National as a pro.

Woods felt good about his work the past two weeks with swing coach Sean Foley, who said his client struggled with posture issues.

But Woods again lamented the inability to play properly with a new swing and lapsing into old habits.

"It all has to do with my setup," he said. "When I get over the golf ball and feel uncomfortable, I hit it great. I want to get comfortable, and I follow my old stuff and hit it awful. I just tried to get uncomfortable and feel as bad as I could and then I striped it.

"I know what I need to do. I just need more reps doing it. ... We've changed a bunch of different things, and every now and then I fall into the old stuff. And that doesn't work, the combo platter of old and new."

All of this occurred despite a fortunate ruling for Woods at the par-5 fifth hole, where Woods hooked his second shot to the left of the green -- and nobody could find it. A lost ball would have meant a penalty stroke and going back to the original spot to hit again, but witnesses told a PGA Tour rules official that they saw the ball land and that a spectator must have picked it up. Woods got a free drop and made par.

"It was a very unusual situation, but based on all the evidence ... where else could the ball have been," PGA Tour rules official Mark Russell said. "It was like being lost on the floor right here."

None of that mattered, however, when Woods wasn't able to birdie any of the closing holes. He had a 5-footer at the par-4 eighth that might have put him on the cut line, but missed it. At the ninth, his last, he left himself a 50-footer and two-putted. Woods parred all nine holes on the front, and for the round made just two birdies.

Woods hit 14 greens in regulation but needed 33 putts and was ranked 122nd in the field in total putts.

From the 1998 AT&T Pebble Beach National Pro-am -- where he actually didn't return to play a rain-delayed round -- to the 2005 Byron Nelson Championship, Woods did not miss a cut on the PGA Tour, a record 142 straight tournaments.

Since that time, no player has gone as many as 50 straight tournaments without missing a cut -- although Steve Stricker heads into next week's Players Championship at 49 straight.

"It's a great week, this is one of my favorite tour stops," Woods said. "Unfortunately I'm just not going to be around for it."

Pirates Band of misfits

Though they don’t produce all that many, the British seem to excel at animated films, mostly because they don’t let the fact that the characters on screen are made of clay, paint, or pixels get in the way of treating the audience like more than brainless schoolchildren. The Pirates! Band of Misfits continues this tradition, the only awkward thing about it being the title.

These pirates are such misfits that they don’t even have names – they refer to themselves by unique characteristics. There’s the Pirate with a Scarf (Martin Freeman), the Pirate with Gout (Brendan Gleeson), the Albino Pirate (Anton Yelchin), the Strangely Curvaceous Pirate (Ashley Jensen), and so on. And they love their captain (Hugh Grant), who is of course called The Pirate Captain, and who provides the best thing about pirate life – regular ham dinners.

In the greater pirate world, however, the Pirate Captain is ridiculed as a weak and ineffective plunderer with an incredible knack for attacking ships with no treasure. A multiple-time loser at the Pirate of the Year Awards, he’s laughed at by better contenders Peg Leg Hastings (Lenny Henry), Cutlass Liz (Salma Hayek) and Black Bellamy (Jeremy Piven). And since the award is all about the booty, it seems likely the poor Captain is going to lose again.

But fortune smiles on the misfits when they meet the not-yet-famous scientist Charles Darwin (David Tennant), who instantly notices that the Captain’s rather obese parrot is not a parrot at all, but a dodo bird, long thought extinct. Presenting Polly to the Royal Scientific Society would earn Darwin a huge prize, an opportunity the Captain jumps at as a shortcut to winning his own award. That is, if he doesn’t run afoul of the pirate-hating Queen Victoria (Imelda Staunton), who has her own interest in the bird.

It’s mostly business-as-usual for director Peter Lord and Aardman Studios, creators of previous claymation-style films such as Chicken Run and the Wallace and Gromit series. Fans will immediately recognize the look, with its bug-eyed and chiclet-toothed characters, and sets filled jokes in the background, but the visuals here seem even more detailed than usual. The water scenes are particularly impressive, achieving near-realism through additional CGI effects.

And, also as usual, it’s the movie’s blend of dry wit and outright silliness that carries the day. These pirates are buffoons, yes, but they’re also quite good at what they do, which leads to all sorts of hilarious non-sequitur moments. The ease at which the “Scientist Captain” is able to infiltrate the Royal Society is as entertaining a sequence as any of the action scenes.

The cast is fantastic. Those used to seeing Hugh Grant as a stammering romantic lead will hardly recognize his voice here, delivering the Captain’s bombast and vulnerability in equal measure. Freeman and Tennant do equally well as advisors competing for the Captain’s attention. There’s even a monkey, trained by Darwin to speak using cue cards, that little ones will especially love.

It all adds up to a film that all audiences will enjoy on different levels. The Pirates! Band of Misfits is a voyage worth signing on for.

Think Like a man

 If anything can make you long for the hang-loose 1970s, it's the prospect of looking for love in an era when dating is governed by more regimented thinking than the old Soviet Union.

First came "The Rules," which said that the best way for women to nab a mate was by refusing to give it up (basically the code of the 1950s).

Then came "The Game," which said that if women are playing by "The Rules," then the only way for men to push past those defenses is to pretend to be even bigger cads than they are (which, according to the theory, secretly flatters women by tapping their desire to tame the male animal).

Then came Steve Harvey's "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man," which funneled "The Rules" and "The Game" into one book by explaining to women all the ways that men are trying to outthink them. Romantics of the world, do your heads hurt yet?

"Think Like a Man," an amorous ensemble comedy based on Harvey's 2009 best-seller, follows a dozen mostly African-American men and women as they attempt to navigate the brave new world of love by the book. The movie, which is very sitcom-setup-driven (it's "The Best Man" meets "Valentine's Day"), introduces its embattled pairings with titles like ''The Non-Committer vs. The Girl Who Wants the Ring'' and ''The Dreamer vs. The Woman Who Is Her Own Man.''

For a while, the cookie-cutter behavioral tics are funny in an overly broad way, even if the dialogue is basically stand-up patter turned into glib, fast conversation. And the actors make good company. I especially liked Romany Malco as the velvet-smooth player Zeke; Meagan Good as the spiky Mya, who finds it hard to stick to her dating-war codes; and Kevin Hart as the hilariously raging Cedric, who can't stop jabbering about the divorce he only thinks he wants.

Yet "Think Like a Man" is so busy tracking courtship as if it were a science project that the bite-size love stories lack spontaneity. When the women first get hold of Harvey's book, the manipulations that ensue are fun. When the men read the book and try to out-psych the women, the film should grow ever foxier in its complications -- but instead it comes down to a bunch of horndogs pretending to be chivalrous, which is repetitive and kind of soggy. That's the downside of staging a romantic comedy by the rules. B-

The Lucky One

I’m going to preface my review with this statement: I am an unashamed Nicholas Sparks fan. I own most of his books, all of his movies, and I still regularly stop and watch them when they’re airing on television.

I say this so when I tell you I didn’t love the adaptation of The Lucky One, you won’t assume I’m a snobby hater dissing it out of spite.

I wanted to love it. Zac Efron is about the hottest thing on the market these days, at least in this girl’s mind, and the previews suggested that he and Taylor Schilling had a sizzling chemistry. I read the book (some time ago) and was excited to see Logan and Elizabeth fall in love on the big screen.

The Lucky One isn’t a bad film. It’s entertaining, it’s heartfelt, and Zac Efron is ridiculously good looking in his boxer briefs. Even though it’s tied for my least favorite Sparks film (with The Last Song), it’s still light years better than the dreadful The Vow, which tried to pass itself off as a romance but made me want to punch the girl in the face every five minutes.

But I digress.

Our premise is fairly simple. Logan (Zac Efron) is on his third tour in Iraq when he spots a photograph in the rubble. As he picks it up, a bomb explodes where he had been standing, killing several of his comrades. By the time he returns home, he’s survived more encounters with death than seems fair, and feels guilty being the one to live when so many good men died. He decides to try to find the girl in the picture, and thank her for saving his life.

When he arrives in Hamden, Louisana, though, he can’t find the words and Beth (Taylor Schilling) doesn’t give him much of a chance to explain. She assumes he’s there in response to an employment ad, so in the end he takes the job and doesn’t say anything about the picture.

It turns out her brother Drake was also a Marine, and was killed in action a year previously. She’s struggling with that, her grandmother’s recent stroke, and raising Ben (Riley Thomas Stewart), her eight-year-old son, with her abusive, controlling ex-husband Keith (Jay R Ferguson). Logan is quiet, and obviously dealing with his own issues, but he slowly begins to worm his way into their lives and hearts.

The grandmother (Blythe Danner) is the first one to warm to him, and watches with a smile as Beth begins to fall for Logan in spite of her preconceived notions. The situation turns ugly when Keith threatens to use his position as town police officer and his father’s power as mayor to take Ben away if Beth doesn’t stop seeing Logan.

Things get uglier still when Logan’s secret is outed, making Beth wonder how she can trust a man who lied to her, but how she can be with someone who might have lived in the place of her beloved brother. In the grand tradition of Nicholas Spark’s stories, there is a tragic death, a question as to whether or not the central couple will end up together, and scenes written with the express intent of wringing tears from the audience.

There are some positives. The scenery is gorgeous, the cinematography and lighting are spectacular, and Zac Efron is a swoon inducing hero. The relationship between him and Ben is my favorite thing about the film, and Blythe Danner adds much needed humor and a subtlety that’s missing from the rest of the cast. There were three scenes in which I felt fully invested, and that choked me up. One was in the garden, when Beth breaks down over the loss of her brother (their parents are dead, so they had only one another). The second was a scene between Ben and Logan, where the little boy says goodbye to the man who took the time to not only know him, but accept him for the person he might one day become. The third was a scene at the end where Logan tells Beth what happened to her brother.

You’ll notice that not one of those scenes were both between our central characters and about our central characters.

And that’s because although the chemistry between Logan and Beth flickers from time to time, it never ignites. I never got that ‘holy crow I’m going to absolutely die if the two of them don’t end up together’ feeling that completely essential to the ultimate success of these types of films.

That’s my biggest problem with the movie, and unfortunately that’s not something that can be foreseen or predicted ahead of time.

A couple of smaller issues:

The dialogue, particularly for Logan, is awkward and too obvious a lot of the time. I actually think Efron is a talented actor, but this script didn’t do him any favors.

Keith’s character is all over the damn place. The writer goes out of the way to try and humanize him one moment, then makes him a frightening stalker, then he quits his job over the guilt and goes crying to Beth, then he threatens her, etc. It’s hard to know how to feel about him, but the back and forth ultimately makes it impossible to care about him at all.

We don’t get to know Logan well enough. We’re expected to “get” him by assigning a generic “he’s sad because he’s a soldier and he’s seen lots of bad things” person, but without any insight into his particular psyche it comes off as cliched. Efron does what he can with silent looks and brooding, but all in all it’s hard to love a guy we don’t know.

I didn’t even come close to shedding a tear. And that means this film failed.